I can't remember when it started, but saying "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" have become my default responses when someone asks how I am.
It became my only response last year when I was going through a tough time. My dad died, I was long distance from my husband, I was struggling to find a job, and just getting through the day was a slog. And so when my friends would ask how I was, I would say okay because I couldn't let myself be honest without falling apart. And I couldn't start crying right before a presentation at school, and it wasn't appropriate to start crying at a restaurant (though I did cry at Cornwalls more than once. Thanks Billy!).
But by always saying that I was fine, people began taking me at my word and treat me like I was fine, and there was no getting out of it. They would expect me to be okay and would talk about other silly problems, and I would swallow my pain. I would keep pushing it down until it felt like I was carrying around a backpack of grief bricks but everyone just saw my peppy outside. I never felt safe enough to be real about what I was going through because at first I couldn't deal and then because I had to live up to other's expectations that I was "over it." I was crushed but over-functioning, and no one could actually see me.
This morning was the first time that I was honest with one of my friends from business school that I was anything other than fine. And it felt so much better to be honest and build a safer space where we can have a genuine friendship. Not just acting like everything is okay or complaining about things out of our control, but truly connecting. By being authentic, I gave her permission to tell her truth as well. And that's where true friendship comes from.
Where are you wearing a mask of saying that you're fine and blocking connection?