Self-care and privilege

I have been on an adventure of change this summer. I have been learning independence, and learning that I need to do a better job taking care of myself. One of my friends gave me the advice to take 30 days to focus on self-care and it made me realize that I have strong feelings about the concept. Self-care as it is described in media is something that only privileged people can do, and that level of injustice makes me not want to engage.

Yes, getting a manicure may make me feel more put together, but there are so many people who don’t have the resources to go to the spa when they are feeling down. It is hypocritical to say that I care about world events and then put on a face mask to unwind – there isn’t a face mask for the undocumented mother who is separated from her child and put into jail. Everyone does not have equal access to self-care. It is another level of white privilege that separates us.

But then I think of the Audre Lorde quote that “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” Just like in an airplane we put on our own masks before assisting others, we need to fill ourselves up before addressing the world. In this time of political unrest, we each need to do everything that we can to care for ourselves in order to endure.

Perhaps the answer is to focus on the inner work of self-love, not the outer packaging of getting a manicure. Perhaps the answer is to be aware of the privilege that comes with acts of outer self-care. Perhaps the answer is to build communities of care, instead of caring for ourselves.

How do you balance the need for self-care and the awareness of privilege? How do you care for yourself?

Source: Pexels

29 Rooms

Last weekend, my friend and I joined hundreds of other San Francisco in visiting 29 Rooms, the creative exhibition created by Refinery 29. The event included 29 rooms created by different artists to activate the space and showcase creativity. The event was well created and was a lot of fun to go through, but the emphasis of the event seemed to be getting a great Instagram photo, not truly experiencing the exhibits. Many of the rooms had very complex topics, so having people lining up to take photos took away from the experience. But overall it was a great night, and I was equally guilty of taking photos, so below are a few of mine!

Meditation for the full moon

As you may know, yesterday was the Full Moon in Capricorn. This has already been a summer of significant growth for me, but it has been hard to recognize the progress. I just see that I have been struggling, not the steps that I have already been able to take. I found this meditation from the website Organically Jamie to be incredibly helpful in taking twenty minutes to assess the progress that I am making. 

Do you use the full moon as a time for reflection?

Muir Woods

Last weekend, my husband and I finally made it to Muir Woods. We had been planning to go for the past year that we have been here, but the trip now requires more planning than it used to. In order to address the overcrowding from Muir Woods being such an attraction so close to San Francisco, the park now requires that everyone purchase their parking in advance.

So, on Saturday morning, we woke up early and an hour later, were in the middle of the woods. It was so powerful to be walking through this forest of trees that were hundreds of years old. I loved every minute of it. 

Ahimsa - the practice of non-violence

I recently began reading the book The Yamas and Niyamas by Deborah Adele. If you haven’t heard of it, the book describes the ten guidelines for “exploring yoga’s ethical practice.” These guidelines are described in the book as jewels; they are “rare gems of wisdom that give direction to a well-lived and joyful life.” I am enjoying this book so much – it is very simply written, yet every chapter is filled with so much wisdom and truth that I want to keep reading it again.

The first guideline is Ahimsa, or non-violence. This isn’t non-violence of not hitting your brother when you are frustrated, or of not lashing out, but goes as deep as a non-violence of thought. As I have mentioned previously, I have a hard time with the inner mean girl in my head that is consistently putting myself down and even judging others. But this judgment is not serving anyone, especially not myself, and it exhausts me so much to consistently be trying to prove myself against the not good enough feelings in my head.

Through the principles in this book, I have begun to practice witnessing my judgment and then letting it go. This morning I had an especially interesting exercise in letting the mind go. My friend invited me to a 5 Rhythms dance class, because he knows that I have been trying to bring more fun into life and, even though I had no idea what 5 Rhythms was and have no dance training, I said yes. If like me you have never been to a 5 Rhythms class before, it is a two-hour free-dance class where there is no choreography and no judgment, the purpose of the class is to connect with the rhythm and be fearless.

As someone who is self conscious about my dancing ability and afraid of looking silly, I had a very hard time in the class. I spent the first hour looking around at everyone else dancing and judging myself for not having fun like they were, but being too afraid to let go. But then I remembered a quote from the Ahimsa chapter in the book, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to be afraid without being paralyzed.” I decided that I would dance even though I was scared of looking like a fool, and that I would dance so that I could make the experience fun. All of a sudden, I started smiling more and enjoying myself, and truly letting go.

By surrendering my fear of being judged and dancing anyway, I knew that I wasn’t looking foolish because I was dancing with conviction. And I didn’t care even if I did look foolish, because I was having fun. I was no longer judging myself or others, but was practicing being truly present and leaning into the fun.

Where can you practice non-violence in your life?

Playground or Proving Ground

For the past few weeks, I have been struggling with how to make life more fun. How to stop trying so hard and lean into the flow.

I came across the TED Talk of Gwen Gordon, who was a creative director for Sesame Street. In the talk, Gwen speaks about her struggles going from a playground to a proving ground. When she was younger, she was a gymnast, and noticed that what she once enjoyed instead became work. When she was working on Sesame Street, over time she lost the wonder of working at her dream job and instead would stress about the minutia. What had once brought her joy instead brought her anxiety.

I caught myself that much of my life has been a proving ground. I pride myself on my ambition - I set lofty goals and I do everything possible to meet them. Last year, I lost my father, I won the Head of the Charles Regatta, I ran the Boston Marathon, and I graduated with my MBA. Any one of those would have been an accomplishment on their own, but I am constantly setting the bar higher for myself.

But I'm realizing that this doesn't leave much room for fun. It doesn't give me space for wonder. I even catch myself treating this blog like work, like a goal that I need to accomplish, instead of a fun creative outlet. I'm realizing that I don't even know if I know how to have fun. I know that I can be fun to be around, and can project positivity, but this often takes planning and energy. What if I instead did something fun every day?

My instinct is to set a 30 days of fun challenge and organize external accountability, but I worry that I will then become competitive about showing how much fun I am having. So instead I'm setting the intention, but not setting any goals about it. And I'll let you know how it goes.

Are you in the playground or the proving ground?

Dailey Method & Self Love Workshop

Last weekend, my friend Susannah Anderson hosted a self love workshop at the Dailey Method in Cow Hollow. The Dailey Method is a ballet barre class with a focus on isolating and strengthening muscle groups. 

The workshop included an hour long barre class, which was challenging but even more fun than I thought it would be, that then went straight into a meditation and workshop on self love. In the workshop, Susannah taught us about how building self love comes from a process of building awareness, focus and then transformation. She had us assess where our lives were lacking self love and to imagine what life would be like if we built our love and support in those areas. 

I have been having a hard time with my inner mean girl (often called your ego, I recently named mine Denise), so exposing all of the areas that I am building self love was very challenging. But by bringing awareness to these areas, I am now able to set an intention to show up in those areas with more love. My favorite tip that she gave was to HALT when our inner mean girl starts taking over, and ask yourself: Am I Hungry? Am I Angry? Am I Lonely? Am I Tired? The ego often takes over when we need to soothe ourselves in one of these areas.

Susannah recently officially started as a health coach at Parsley Health (which I posted about a few months ago), and is also taking private coaching clients. If you're looking to transform your life and health, definitely check out her website.

How are you showing up for yourself today? How could you care for yourself more?

Grief

I lost my dad a year and a half ago, and sometimes the grief is still so acute. This is a journal entry from a few weeks ago, but I think that it captures the rawness of the pain better than I can analytically. Don't worry, I'm fine, but don't forget that you have no idea the pain that is inside of someone. Give your loved ones a hug tonight. 

I miss my dad so much that it feels like I’m walking around without my skin. I would give anything to talk to him one more time. Not even a heart to heart, just to hear his voice one more time. Just to have another person to call when I have a bad day. Just to have one more hug. I wouldn’t resent him for his alcoholism or for all of the times that he made me feel inferior. I just want my dad. Grief is so hard. It would be so much easier to just numb out. It would be so much easier to not feel. But here I am, bawling crying on a plane because I feel so much. And even though it would be simpler to not be going through this, I know it’s the right thing. I know it’s how I’ll heal. I have so much regret for putting up walls to protect myself and addressing my dads sickness clinically because I couldn’t handle it. It was easier to put on the persona of another nurse than it was to let myself be a kid in need. I forgive myself for not being there when he died. I forgive him for his illness. I forgive him for all of the times he chose alcohol or someone else instead of me. I don’t need to try so hard anymore. I don’t need to strive for perfection in order to be seen. I don’t need to be someone or accomplish anything. I just need to be me. My presence is plenty. I can be loved and I can be me without trying so hard. I can let myself off of the hook.

Inspiration

I have been feeling low on inspiration recently. I have been busy at work and have had low energy, and haven't been feeling my usual pep and inspiration. It has been disorienting to not feel like myself, and to not know how to fix it. It's hard to convince yourself to stay up writing when you're already exhausted, and it's hard to make the time for yourself when you already feel overwhelmed. But every day I tried to find something inspirational or beautiful in my day, and little by little my spark started coming back. I started feeling more energetic, and more driven to share. But this is an acknowledgment that it's not easy - I took myself on walks every day until I finally started seeing beauty again. And I know that it'll go away again, but at least now I have a little bit more faith that it will come back.

I got a TAP!

This month I started a new coaching program, and am already loving the structure. The Action Plan (TAP) was started by the co-founders of Soul Camp, Ali Leipzig and Michelle Garside, and Carissa Reiniger, the founder of Silver Lining Ltd (SLAP), a business coaching program. TAP combines the business planning structure of SLAP with the personal development and fun of Soul Camp. The program includes online accountability, online coaching calls, relevant webinars, and tons of other support to help make your goals into a reality. I will keep you updated as I progress with the program!

Self Sabotage

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with self sabotage. I try and try to meet the expectations of myself and others, but at some point I divulge into obliger rebellion and am no longer able to meet the expectations. I become overwhelmed by the expectations that others have on me, and instead of stepping up to the challenge, I make small mistakes. And then once I make a mistake it becomes a debilitating pattern of scrambling to meet expectations and feeling like a failure.

But I'm determined to break this pattern. I'm determined to stop letting myself make excuses. I'm determined to step up, because I know that I can. 

What underlying patterns keep holding you back? How are you going to change your story?

St. Therese Prayer

I recently came across the below St. Therese prayer for self confidence, and have begun copying it into my journal every day. It brings me so much peace and confidence, and I keep on sending it to friends who are going through transitions. 

St. Therese

She said, "May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

Point Reyes

Last weekend, we planned on going to the Muir Woods, but our plans were foiled! In order to avoid overcrowding, Muir Woods now requires that cars reserve a parking spot before visiting the park. Since we found this out right before leaving, we quickly re-purposed our plans and instead went to Point Reyes.

Point Reyes is a park a half hour further than Muir Woods, with incredible cliff views. We intended to take a 13 mile route to see a waterfall on the beach, but were not able to find the correct path. We instead hiked to a beautiful view, and saw the waterfalls from the top. 

There are countless other trails, so we will definitely be back. 

Palm Springs

A few weeks ago I went to Palm Springs for a work conference, and extended the trip to have a girls' weekend with family for my mom's birthday. It was the perfect getaway weekend in the sun, and Palm Springs has a very interesting culture. We stayed at the Holiday House, which was an adorable boutique hotel with a great location. My favorite activities were the Tramway, brunch at Cheeky's and Sunnylands on the Walter and Lenore Annenburg estate. We also visited the Moorten Botanical Garden, which was small but a fun visit. My photos are below, and I look forward to returning for another weekend getaway.

Rumi card: Passion Of The Wild Red Mother

This weekend, my friend and I decided that it would be fun to pull Rumi cards. If you aren't familiar, Rumi cards are oracle cards that provide guidance on life decisions. Unlike some other oracle card decks, Rumi cards have longer descriptions and tend to be very intense. This weekend's cards were certainly intense, and I have been reeling from my message ever since. I pulled the Passion of the wild red mother, which encourages transformation and leaning into the passion and joy. Below is the full description.

Bring me your unreasonableness, your insanity, your love without reason and your passion - the passion that makes you crazy and shoos all logical restraint from your mind. Leave your ordered thoughts, sensible plans and appropriate attire at my door. Put on your animal fur and sing to me in gibberish. When my beautiful goats die, I make drums from their skins and their spirits live on in my passionate play. When my birds drop their feathers, I gather them and put them in my hair. Come drum with me, as I place feathers in your hair and we honor the spirits of my animals - of your animal nature too, wild and free as you are in truth. Stick your tongue out and growl at those who try to tame you with guilt, shame and fear. Do you think I give a damn for any of their silly games? Those games of reason and logic. "Of course you should do it this way," they say, "it makes sense!" But I care not for what makes sense, I care for what brings you alive. 

You, oh blazing angel, are being invited by the Wild Red Mother to participate in a dance of divine passion. You may be an activist, a poet, an advocate for justice, or a writer, content in your own world of dreams; or perhaps you are a healer, devoted to the liberation of suffering of others and hungry to commune with ancient wisdom. Perhaps you are all of these, or some other exquisite amalgam of holy energy in form. Whatever your nature, there is a passion in your heart; a fire for something more powerful than fear that can become the fuel for your life journey - if you accept the invitation of the Wild Red Mother of course!

This is an invitation to lay aside despair, to lay aside doubt in the capacity of the human heart - even our frustration and impatience. It is time to quit whipping yourself and others, no matter how noble the intention behind the whip may be, and start dancing instead. 

Will you join her, the Wild Red Mother, in her exuberant play? You can choose to lead through joy, to heal through love, to transform suffering into what it is meant to be: the crucible through which ecstasy reveals itself. You do not have to analyze, to stay in the throes of process and ordered stages. You can choose this passionate path now, if you wish. You are ready. It is open to you. Will you accept?

It takes a great spirit, one with much practice of studied rebellion, to be ready to cast off the shackles of society from a place of loving defiance rather than fearful anger. And to playfully say to the world, "I have tasted your stale bread and underdeveloped wine, and have had quite enough now. I decline your offer to gorge upon such lesser fruits. I prefer to feast upon bread, hot and fresh, and wine that is mouth-filling and unctuous. Join me if you like. It is an abundant feast and there is plenty for all."

Even in the spiritually minded there can be a driving fear, thinly veiled as devotion to the most arduous path. Perhaps for a while that serves as a truth of sorts, but eventually there will become a time when smaller truths must give way to larger ones, so the soul can truly be free and grow.

Passion is the bridge that leads you from a smaller truth that suffering is necessary in order to heal, towards a larger and more luscious experience of life as a divine embrace. Yes, sometimes the divine lover, in all enthusiasm for the sport, bites too hard or grabs you with so much desire that a bruise remains. However the passion behind such fervent embrace can leave you begging for more life, for more of that boundless love, even when it knocks you on the head whilst grabbing you. This is possible when you give up on judgment of what is good and what is bad, on what is apparently spiritual and what is not, and when you just realize everything in your life is leading to love. Whether through caress or a slap, the divine lover is seducing you. You can accept this, you can certainly give yourself permission to love what you love, to live how you wish to live, and to forget about holding yourself back because some choices make sense, and others, supposedly, do not. 

If you are able to rise to the passion that is possible for you, you'll let the Wild Red Mother consume your philosophies and doctrines. She'll feast on your religion and your plans, and devour your doubts and certainties. She'll tear away your need for maps and directions. Just when you think there's nothing left, she'll grab your hands and spin with you. You'll tilt back your head and laugh so wildly with her, spinning together, along with the earth upon her axis.

With daring and bold love for life that will not be quashed, that Wild Mother speaks to you now. You can choose passion over fear, time and time again. So I invite you to paint the whole world red with me with passionate nature. Let us laugh and change the world!

This oracle comes to you with a message. It is a big cosmic yes. It is also an invitation to let go of suffering and struggle; not with regret or shame, but with gentle acknowledgment that it has had its purpose. It now has a bigger purpose - that of passion - which calls you to engage in the embrace of life with more abandon than ever before. Now is the time to let go of belief systems and 'needing to know' anything. It is time to trust in the beating of your own heart and in the people, places and experiences that truly move you, whether it makes sense or appears logical or not. 

The Wild Red Mother comes to you when you are ready for her at a soul level. Your mind may think she is a thief in the night, ready pilfer all you hold near and dear - and be utterly in terror at the prospect - but your soul will be gurgling with such anticipation of freedom it will fill your heart with sweet love and urge you to let go. Let her have her way with you - even if it means she crashes into you in the dark as she fumbles and drags you, half asleep, to go out dancing with her under the full moon, wearing nothing but your animal skin and a smile. She'll soothe any bumps and bruises you receive in opening up to life with the most tender and effective of ministrations, for she is just as tender a nurse as she is a wild, raging dance partner. 

This oracle also brings you guidance. You have divine permission to do something ridiculous - be it ridiculous in your own mind for your age or career path, or some identity or version of yourself you or another hold. The more ridiculous or inappropriate it seems - the more it moves your heart, without rhyme or reason - the better. This is not about hurting people or behaving without moral code. It is not about childish indulgence or questionable justification for letting the ego misbehave. It is not about the ego at all; the Wild Red Mother eats ego for breakfast. This guidance is about listening to the truth of your heart and allowing your soul to throb with aliveness, making that more important than any restriction, opinion, judgment of fear the mind - yours or that of others - could summon. 

Have you ever pulled oracle cards? What comes up for you?

Lands End & Sutro Baths

On Saturday, I had the perfect San Francisco day. We went up to Potrero Hill to see if we'd like to live in the neighborhood next year, and found an area that we loved. We then went to visit my husband's aunt, and then went on a walk at Land's End. After a great walk, we went to the famous Mission Chinese for dinner. When we first moved to California, I thought that we'd have days of exploring and hiking, and I was so happy to spend a day doing just that. 

If you have never been, Land's End is a park in the northeast corner of San Francisco within Golden Gate Park. The park has incredible views of the Golden Gate Bridge, and has a two mile round trip walk to the end of a cliff. One thing that I especially appreciate about San Francisco is the ability to experience the wonder of nature without leaving the city.

At the start of the Land's End Trail are the Sutro Baths. The Sutro Baths was once the largest indoor swimming establishment in the world. The pools were filled with the ocean tides, and contained seven pools of varying temperatures. However the baths were not profitable, and were closed in 1966. Months later the pools burned down in suspicious circumstances, and have never been rebuilt. All that remains are the walls and ruins, which you can explore especially in low tide. 

What is the perfect day in your town?

I'm eliminating the word fine

I can't remember when it started, but saying "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" have become my default responses when someone asks how I am. 

It became my only response last year when I was going through a tough time. My dad died, I was long distance from my husband, I was struggling to find a job, and just getting through the day was a slog. And so when my friends would ask how I was, I would say okay because I couldn't let myself be honest without falling apart. And I couldn't start crying right before a presentation at school, and it wasn't appropriate to start crying at a restaurant (though I did cry at Cornwalls more than once. Thanks Billy!). 

But by always saying that I was fine, people began taking me at my word and treat me like I was fine, and there was no getting out of it. They would expect me to be okay and would talk about other silly problems, and I would swallow my pain. I would keep pushing it down until it felt like I was carrying around a backpack of grief bricks but everyone just saw my peppy outside. I never felt safe enough to be real about what I was going through because at first I couldn't deal and then because I had to live up to other's expectations that I was "over it." I was crushed but over-functioning, and no one could actually see me.

This morning was the first time that I was honest with one of my friends from business school that I was anything other than fine. And it felt so much better to be honest and build a safer space where we can have a genuine friendship. Not just acting like everything is okay or complaining about things out of our control, but truly connecting. By being authentic, I gave her permission to tell her truth as well. And that's where true friendship comes from.

Where are you wearing a mask of saying that you're fine and blocking connection?

Ho’oponopono

Have you ever heard of Ho’oponopono? It is a Hawaiian prayer for forgiveness that has been shown to have a profound impact on relationships and healing. The process is simple - one chants the below mantra, and it has been reported to have a profound effect. 

I am sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
I love you

Gabrielle Bernstein at Grace Cathedral

Last week, I went to Gabrielle Bernstein’s book launch at Grace Cathedral. I have been following Gabrielle since her first book eight years ago, and every time I see her I am amazed by her stage presence and ability to speak about personal development.  

Her newest book Judgment Detox is about how we block ourselves from our true emotions when we judge others, and reviews the steps to come out of judgment. At this time of so much divisiveness in the world, I hope that this book serves as many people as possible. 

1. Witness your judgment without judgment. When we notice that we are judging someone else or ourselves, witness it without going into a judgment tailspin. Instead of judging someone at the grocery store and then judging yourself for judging them, stop the cycle and notice that you are triggered and ask yourself why.
2. Honor the wound. If we are judging someone else for our own insecurity, come to the core wound of why you are triggered and judging. The book then has three tools for healing the inner wound. 
3. Put love on the altar. After we have worked to heal the wounds, the book has prayers to offer your judgment to a higher power.
4. See for the first time. Once we have healed and prayed, we can see for the first time. Gabby tells a great story about healing her relationship with her father. When we see others for their truth, we understand that we are all one.
5. Cut the cords. Every time we judge someone, we create negative energetic cords connecting us. Once we have seen the other person, we can cut the energetic cords and no longer be negatively connected. 
6. Bring your shadows to the light. In the final step, we practice forgiveness and shining light on the universe.

Have you read Judgment Detox yet? Who are you judging and is there another way?

How do you eat an elephant?

Whenever I am overwhelmed by a task and don't know where to start, I think of one of my favorite pieces of advice. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! It reminds me that even the most daunting tasks can be accomplished if they are broken into small tasks. When I was in school, instead of freaking out about writing a paper, I would chunk it out into the steps to research, outline, draft and edit the paper. It seems simple, but for me made a big difference.